The Importance of Triangulation | Getting Parents On Board

The role of the parent is the most important element for young players to progress

In the past few years this blog has discussed the importance of coaches in the development of young players. What we haven’t focused on enough is the role of parents. And this is a big neglect, because the role of the parent is arguably the most important. As this article will discuss, parents are the key for players (all children’s) development.

Last week there was a lot of discussion and debate on the role of parents in youth football. The argument was simple, ‘let them play’. Meaning, stop talking from the side, stop coaching and controlling players, and simply watch and observe them in action. 

Now I would say that there has been a culture change in terms of this issue in recent years. Youth football, both at Academy level and grassroots has become a much better environment for young players in terms of being shouted at (both positively and negatively) from the sidelines. Yes it still happens, I see it weekly, parents acting like they're at a first team game, shouting on to the players and often times showing anger and frustration with the officials. Reports last week in the Surrey league of parents head butting a linesman and threatening to stab a referee. Incredible! And incidents like these lead to genuine concerns over the safety of officials in grassroots football. It may be an isolated incident yet it does makes one very concerned about the safety of players and officials in these environments. 

The supportive parents

However, the focus of this blog is more on the players development. In the main it appears the message has been understood by more parents now, less talk from the side, more respect for all. The issue regarding communication from the side is clear; telling players what to do leads to players not being allowed to make their own decisions, who are at times treated like ‘robots’. For example, telling players to “shoot”, “pass” or "turn". 

The problem with this is that when players are instructed these things they often react immediately on hearing the instruction, when they aren’t actually in a position to actually carry out the skill effectively. What results is a rushed action which affects their technique, which leads to an outcome which is often unsuccessful. I do love it when you hear a coach or parent say “finish it” as loud as they can when the player approaches the ball, and then wonders why the player has missed, not thinking if their loud screams actually put off their player rather than help him/her. 

The player though may have had another decision in their head, may have seen a different option to what the coach has saw. Therefore how can the coach really be in a position to know what the player is thinking. And of course, not only does it affect performance negatively, it also takes away the players own ability to make decisions, which is a major problem. 

This is the problem sometimes, ignorance and naivety that communication from the side of the pitch can actually harm performance, rather than improve it. And therefore it makes perfect sense to reduce or even ban communication from the side. Parents and coaches will argue they are just being supportive, but there is another problem with being ‘supportive’, it is often mis-guided. Let me explain. 

If a player kicks/clears the ball out of ‘danger’ (a terrible word to use which brings up negative connotations for a player of playing in negative/dangerous areas on a pitch), and then kicks the ball out of play, you often hear what? Clapping and applause. If a player tries to do a skill, tries to beat a player 1v1, or looks to play a pass to a teammate and shockingly has the audacity to lose possession, you have a collective grown from the 'fans'. What does this do? Young children want to get praise and not be lambasted for errors. Therefore kicking the ball high and far, preferably off the pitch and away from ‘danger’, generates a greater positive response than trying to keep possession and take a ‘risk’ (again another word which has a negative connotation attached to it.) 

Unfortunately the players are often indoctrinated into what is acceptable/not acceptable, positive/negative in these experiences from parents and coaches. Therefore it is important that parents are as educated and informed as the players and the coaches.

The importance of educating parents

This idea of triangulation involves the joining up and working together of three parties, the player, the coach and the parent. Neglecting one of these will often result in a failure in communication, understanding and ultimately buy-in. I am often puzzled with the way coaches view parents in football. They are often seen and regarded as a hindrance, meddlesome and interfering, instead of being viewed as an integral part of the players development. By neglecting the parent the coach/club is ignoring a key component in their players journey. 

I don’t agree with this view of parents as being problems, what is important in terms of the parents is that they feel they a part of their son/daughter’s development along with the coach. And for a coach surely it’s better to have a parent who understands what you are trying to do with the player/sessions, than one who says other things? 

Surely the more educated and knowledgeable the parents are, the better their influence on their child can be. This seems abundantly clear to me. Which is why seeking to take the parent out of the equation and almost stifling their input, isn’t a successful approach for long term development.  

As coaches we have a great influence on the thoughts and actions of our players, and we can influence their behaviour beyond just football. But we only see the players we work with for 2-8 hours a week dependent on what level you are. Youth team upwards (U17+) obviously has a greater role and influence. But the truth is that regardless of the information you provide regarding aspects of extra training, home study and the most important one, nutrition and diet, you are not going to have that player succeed away from your sessions without the buy-in from the parents. 

This is why coaches must be approachable and willing to talk with parents, to hear their views and opinions, to gain a greater insight into the players they work with and from their own side, seek to put across their thoughts, philosophy and suggestions. The coaches, parents and players must all be working together to achieve success in development.

The essential role of parents 

My final point on parents however looks at them directly and poses the question “how much are you doing for you son/daughter?”. Perhaps this aimed more for the Academy player, the one who has the opportunity to progress in the game to professional levels. But the truth is this question has greater consequences for outside of football. And it goes back to that word ‘culture’ once again. 

For all the criticism aimed at parents regarding how they speak to players on the sidelines and how they need to be positive examples to their young children, I actually don’t think parents are doing enough to really push their players to the levels required. This may sound contradictory, it may sound unfair as there are parents every week travelling great distances for their child's football. But in this globalised world the levels of competition and the demands on young children is great. Which is why I’m puzzled so many allow their young children to waste such valuable time and eat so badly. 

Whether it’s extra training for football to enhance their ability and skills, or physical enhancement with speed or strength, players need to be doing more to enhance their game. It may even be educational in terms of watching and analysing football. In terms of school it’s having a tutor in order for the child to improve their intelligence and performance outside of school hours. 

There is a lot of time and opportunity for young people to enhance their skills and development, yet it is wasted both in terms of time and finances on things like television, social media and game consoles. Money which could be spent on extra lessons and tutoring is spent on phones, consoles, games and clothes. The youngsters are as guilty of this too, lacking the discipline and understanding of self-sacrifice and prioritising time and efforts, wanting the latest fashions and accessories. But ultimately this should be controlled by the parents. 

Unfortunately I am seeing a culture where kids don’t respect their parents and incredibly parents allow and enable this behaviour. This is incredible! Young people bossing their parents around and being the ones in control? But the parents enable it. And what we are left with? A culture of mediocrity. 

This is evident with nutrition and diet. Incredibly young players are being let down by their parents with a poor diet. In sport this is arguably the greatest problem affecting development from good to great. Diet is fundamental to enhanced athleticism and fitness, recovery and injury prevention and to mental focus and concentration. Players with poor diets or lazy diets are limiting their development and potential. And parents are enabling it. I’ve seen Academy players eating burgers after games! And the parents are buying it for them! It shows that the education of parents hasn’t worked effectively. Yes, perhaps the player does want a burger but the parent needs to be disciplined and say “No!”. The hope is that as the player matures they appreciate the importance of good and bad food and make that decision for themselves. But before this, this is where parents need to be parents.

There is a feeling that in England parents want to make sure their son/daughter is happy and enjoying what they're doing. Of course enjoyment is important. But the road and journey to elite levels is very rarely easy and enjoyable. It is tough and difficult. In the Academy environment it’s not always easy, it’s hard, demanding and quite the commitment. And that’s just the basic expectations. But if we allow players to make their own decisions based on their short term desires and wants, we will only get limited individuals. This was highlighted in my article on “Developing Creativity”. 

In terms of discipline very few youngsters will have the mental strength and self-discipline to commit to levels of intense work, focus and diet, on their own. Biologically the easy option is too slack off and relax, why work harder when you don’t have to? But this is why parents and coaches are essential. They need to be pushing youngsters to new levels, making sure they are focused and committed, not allowing for easy options. 

There is a worry I think for some parents of not putting their kids in tough environments where they can get hurt and fail. Ridiculous! This is why our kids quit at the first sign of difficulty, because they’ve been allowed to. If they’re not enjoying something they can walk away, “no problem”. What kind of lesson is this for youngsters? If they quit after experiencing failure they’ll never achieve anything! We can’t enable this surely? 

It is why we fall short to other nations, both in football and education. We allow for mediocrity too often, we let youngsters slack off, we aren’t demanding enough. And parents are key in this aspect. They need to set the standards and instil the discipline. I know some great parents who have been key to their sons/daughters development and success, mainly because they provided them with great opportunities, committed their time and resources to their child’s development and importantly kept on top of them through times of difficulty. And this doesn’t mean being overly harsh or negative, but being a key support, someone who they can trust, rely on. Unfortunately some parents cause too much conflict between their-self and their child, instead of creating a bond of trust and support. They argue and criticise too much rather than look to support and help their son/daughter to reflect, think and improve performance. 

The role of the parent is not an easy one. Coaches have players for 1-2 hours at a time, and often don't have to deal with each individuals worries, concerns and difficulties. This is what the parent often has to pick up. At the same time a parent has to balance work and other commitments with their son/daughter's schedule. It is a very difficult job. One I don't always think players appreciate or value enough. They seem to take for granted the opportunities afforded to them by their parents, the cost and commitment which goes along with it. 

The parents are key for all this talk of 'youth development' to work effectively. Without their backing and support coaches can be fighting against them rather than working with them. Both want the best for the players, yet they need to talk and gain a greater understanding of each other, in order to get more from the player. Coaches need to be more approachable and willing to discuss thoughts, feelings and aims with the parents. The parent however needs to make sure they are setting the standards in terms of respect in training and games and providing positive and demanding support for their son/daughter away from the coaching world. 

The journey for youth footballers can be tough at times, yet incredibly rewarding and enjoyable at other times. The more people work together to achieve a collective aim, the better the end result. This is certainly the key for players, parents and coaches as they seek to push forwards along the path. 

What's important, and this applies to all three facets of this triangle, is that mediocrity is not accepted or allowed, that ambitions and standards are raised continually and that the discipline is maintained and improved. Parents set the standards, and while their child may find tough standards frustrating, the short term sacrifices are often outweighed by the long term outcomes. 

The Whitehouse Address @The_W_Address

Share your thoughts about the role of parents with me via email at thewhitehouseaddress@gmail.com